i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
