please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
