Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
