I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
