That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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