I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
