Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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