i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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