i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
