So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i've created a new STD.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
