"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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