In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
