I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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