Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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