last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
