My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
