the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
