Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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