I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he fucked my hip out of place.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
