I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
