Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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