Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize