two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
