Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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