Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
