Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
