tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
