if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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