There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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