You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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