You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
