just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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