I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
