I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
