Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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