a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Houston, we have a blender
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
