Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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