We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize