Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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