8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
