Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
