I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
