Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He better not be in your backpack
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
