lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
