OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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