So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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