Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Found the puke drawer
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
