My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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