If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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