i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
