Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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