If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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