I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
