apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
