I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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