How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
