is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
