if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
try to milk me bitch
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